About the Author

Hello my name is Marcin.

My hope is that through my suffering and learnings I may have shared with you some keys to help you along your journey.  My hope is that the Livefully.net flag can bring people together not apart - in sharing an understanding of the the world.  

My goal was simply to follow the best attempt at understanding the truth and that the truth might lead us to an understanding which would help to decrease suffering.  It is difficult to write period.  Yet it is difficult to write about the biggest questions of meaning and understanding that all of humanity has been struggling with for all of time.

As a teenager I grew up in New York City arriving on Nov. 8th 1990 at age 10 where I was sequestered to stay at home for years by my family for fear of retribution from by father's former employer the KGB.  You see my father was an spy.

Many Years Earlier

After a days hard work and a few bottles of vodka at a restaurant commandeered on a twilight evening by my tata (dad) and his associate comrades from the SB (Służba Bezpieczeństwa or Ministry of Public Security - equivalent of the KGB).  

Surprisingly there came another ask and call to do an additional "special" assignment that night.  An hour long drive ensued away from the city of Lodz, Poland.  As they approached the country roads the banter and laughter slowly shifted to silence while cold temperatures befell deeper into the night.

Upon arrival the commanding officer ordered: 

"We need to dig a grave. Dig!"  The men unpacked shovels.

"Cold sweat turned to anxiety in the air you could cut with a knife."

Post effort: "Get in." they told my father as he turned ghost pale.  

Tata: "What do you mean?"

Commander: "Get in the grave now."  While pulling and caulking a gun at his face.  "Get the fuck in now.  Put him in."  He commanded.

He struggled to no avail - they outnumbered him.

Held down, face down - cold barrel gun to his head.

"We know your defecting."  The commander said calmly.  "This is what happens to defectors."

"No please.....I am not.  You are wrong.  I am loyal.  I have a son and wife.  Please."

"He fought hard but could not move - and while fighting accepted the truth of death.  An end to a hard life."  

The trigger pulls as the hammer hits the firing pin resonating on the bullet casing.

"CLICK"

"This is what happens if you defect.  Do you understand?"

"Yes" he repeated.  "I understand."

Years later - he defected.  

--

My dad was the spitting image of Daniel Day-Louis in "There Will be Blood" in terms of looks and intensity.  Zero exaggeration.  A hard man built from hard times.  Before he was in the SB he was in the army and at one point a commanding officer - one who would tell his trainees to "push him into the barbed wire trench and run over him if he stops again."   Before that he was a rebel and punk.  Before that just another lost soul to the intense pressures of survival in communism post World War 2 - neglected by his father who was bound by duty to shoulder the burden of supporting the family after death had struck. -but I digress.

My father also had one of the TOP IQs in the country according to www.MENSA.org.  In fact, the conversation his colonel had telling him he was not allowed to pursue it further was the straw that broke the camels back and led to the middle of the night escape train ride through East Germany, working with the American army and ultimately being provided fake passports by the FBI for our flight over the Atlantic.  On the street corner my parents decided to go to the American embassy not the German.  It was further away.  Land of the free and the American dream of opportunity.

First you go to the refugee camps where they figure out and sort you.  These are - recluse,   abandoned decrepit buildings on the outskirt villages falling apart and cockroach infested.  "Tata what are these black crumbs moving on my bed sheets at night? "  Took me a long long time to get over my cockroach phobia.  At 8 years old I was surrounded with folks from all over the world seeking asylum.  Africans are always delightful and so positive I loved them - the nicest people.  I remember one offered me a piece of gum.  

We were well off in Poland compared to everyone else.  My Grandfather was a Director at a communist shipping company and had gotten his PHD.  Me, my mother and father lived in studio apartment - one room where we slept, a small bathroom and kitchen.  As a kid I had one matchbox car.  I used to collect CocaCola and Sprite cans as they were the most colorful thing I could find.  We had a giant shsnauzer as a puppy named "Uzi."  I would wrestle with him as a child.  There were 2 channels.  Communist propaganda and communist propaganda.  We had 10-15 minutes of "bajki " or children's stories at night.  Half the time they were in Russian.  When we got He-Man once in awhile it was AMAZING.

Going from Poland to Germany was like going from black and white into color - literally.  There were no brands in communism.  Only things like black fish cans with silver\gold Russian writing on them at the food stores where you had to wait on a long line with stamps to get food.  When we first arrived in Berlin it was like Christmas - all the colors and brands and signs.  Kodak, McDonalds etc.  Going to McDonalds was like going to a rich restaurant - no exaggeration.  

Once they figured out who my dad was we spent some time in Munich, Berlin and the Alps.  It was like the sound of music - gorgeous.  This was the fun part - for me that is.  As an 8 year old I played stories of James Bond in my head as we took different routes each day to the American army base to sell information in order to buy our way into America.  I remember sitting in my hotel room as the rain drops dropped outside running my fingers on the glass and compensated drops on my side of the hotel and watching them trickle down.

The pressure on my parents was immense.  Best case scenario if caught my tata goes to jail for the rest of his life.  More likely something happens to me and my mom.  It was in the Alps at 9 that I first contemplated suicide.  I don't know what it was, maybe the stress.

You could tell the difference just by looking at someone on who was Polish, German or American.  You could literally feel it in the body of their energy.  You could tell by how the American kids played.  How they rode their bike - and screamed with a type of freedom that was not oppressed like the others.

The American young men and women officers we worked with were amazing.  My dad fell in love with them.  Those men and women officers.  On the other hand my dad hated Russians.  They were the oppressors.  I later liked them as they were very close to my culture.  He fell more and more in love with the ideals of the West.  He later became the biggest American nationalist I knew.  If he could have given his life to kill Osama Bin Laden he would have done it in an instant and with honor.  

We chose New York City.  Our first stop in America me and my parents lived in a cockroach infested apartment that smelled like gas in Bed-Stuy Brooklyn on Dekalb Avenue.  We later moved to Onderdonk in Ridgewood Queens bordering Bushwick Brooklyn.  We then moved to Middle Village an Italian neighborhood.  

Due to the sequestering for years I was not able to socialize and hence developed a stunted awkward personality.  I was the runt of the litter.  For years ridiculed by my closest friends lowest man on the totem pole.  I read books, studied and used 

 Through the torture chamber of enlightenment that was my life I sharpened my mind to overcome the many challenges of suffering, trauma, poverty, anxiety, PTSD, chronic disease and numerous other modern pitfalls.  The pain and suffering transformed me into a truth seeking machine culminating into developing a habitual growth mindset developing scrupulous critical thinking to understand reality in order to shape it.

The frameworks on livefully.net are not to be treated rigidly.  This has to evolve and is just meant to be a starting point for you to shape your own philosophy. 

On a personal note: 

My hope is to share some of these learnings with my two wonderful children Mateo and Isabella - and by extension the rest of the world.  It is my attempt to try and make this journey better for all of us.   I hope you understand that the content here comes from a very sincere place as it is meant for you kids and by extension the rest of the world - to help eliminate unnecessary suffering.  If I fail I fail - but at least I must try.
 

I lost the use of my hands at age 17.  With it my identity, my life's calling, my greatest passion, my love, degree, career and profession.  Everything I loved and did I could no longer do.  For it was because of doing everything I loved that I experienced this tragedy.  I took each possible step and calculation to achieve a specific outcome, but paradoxically, all my efforts culminated in producing the exact opposite result.  A lifetime of daily practice in order to be the best in the world at something...gone and wiped away by the inability to do most things.

Compounded through circumstances out of my control I suffered from years of solitude and solitary confinement at a young age.  This twisted my mind and ability to socially interact and led to me becoming the runt of my social litter, shamed normally and regularly by numerous of my peer groups.  

From the many good cards life gave me I unfortunately also suffered from years of being physically attacked, assaulted and what felt like hunted in the very New York City neighborhood I called my home.  This left me in a state of constant anxious vigilance.

Unknown to me at the time I was also starting to develop a rare autoimmune disease called Mixed Connective Tissue Disease.  A combination of Lupus, Rheumatoid Arthritis and Scleroderma - it resulted in my body attacking the connective tissue proteins within me.  In essence I had the opposite of healing as my super power.  My body would constantly degeneration.  In order to lead a normal life I had to live a perfect life according to my health.

Part by chance, part by the limited options available to me post losing my hands and part by a stubborn willful decision of a first generation immigrant who wanted to make money and lift himself up from humble beginnings of living in a communism totalitarian state, refugee camps and cockroach infested apartments that smelled like gas - coupled with a wanting and desire to make strengths from weaknesses and face my demons of social anxious ineptitude - I embarked on a career in sales.

Sales was torture for me.  I was an engineer.  I would come home every day stare at my ceiling for hours from sheer exhaustion due to the adrenalin dump that was my entire day making 200+ phone calls and suffering an anxiety attack before each receptionist even picked up the phone.

1500 such days later.  No matter what or how hard I tried the anxiety never went away and even though I was very successful through sheer hard work, force of will and determination - my health gave out on me and I suffered the mother of all burnouts.  (See the section titled Hope for more)

My body had literally began to attack itself.  My struggles had culminated into an autoimmune disease that ravaged my connective tissue to the point where I could not speak but a whisper, maintain consciousness without falling asleep uncontrollably and even tap on a smartphone screen for it was enough to damage my tendons.  I grew from being able to do 1000 sit-ups to 260 pounds and too weak to walk a block least of all the swelling and damage it would cause to my tendons.  I had very literally lost  power over influencing my life.

During my journey I found myself in a place where - IF I was to go on - I needed to rebuild myself completely and from the ground up both physically and mentally.  In the eye of the storm I needed to survive.  In order to survive I needed to think and come up with a framework to stay alive.  Livefully.net is that framework.  

I tell you all this because I am on the other side now.  It is through this torture chamber of enlightenment that I became who I am.  After decades I was able to get back the use of my fingers.  I become a world class musician having also composed and produced music I have gotten on NBC.  I sold 10s of millions of dollars of technology to Fortune 500 companies and become financially free.  I have loved, lost and lived a fulfilling life.  I married a supermodel with a heart of gold (love you Nathalie!).  Through it all I came to the conclusion that it was still worth it and decided to have 2 beautiful kids (I love you Mateo and my Isabella!).  I gained a big wonderful Armenian family and truly meaningful and real friends (Big hugs Dayna and Jared!) and relationships.  I have vitality in my life something I wish all of you can truly have and appreciate.  Most importantly I have dominion over my internal states and hence my life.  Through doing difficult things I am at peace with myself.

I found meaning in making sure I did everything in my power to try and prevent other human beings from suffering as much as I did.  It was the reason I gave myself to make all of this suffering be worth it in the end.  I would make it worth it.

My hope is you can learn something from my experience.  Make new mistakes and pass those learnings on to others.  To my kids and friends I wish that you can come back here during different stages of your life to gain a different perspective on yourself and of us as a species.  

My belief is we can systematically eliminate some of the the amnesia of life and death and the unnecessary repetition of too common human centric pitfalls that have been made and solved billions of times over on this bitter sweet learning journey called life.

Once you have matured no one is best equipped to make choices for your life but YOU.  My hope is to offer this point of view which is rooted in reality but takes into the nuance of human being subjective experience.