Marcin
v BETA 0.25 -Work in Progress
Lets dive in!
Let's take the scenario of being in the movies. Nothing is effectively happening. We are just watching and listening to a story, music and sounds. Visual and audible cues. Yet as a whole we are hypnotized by it. In that moment hundreds of people are just sitting there - yet they are experiencing a number of emotional states. Happiness, suspense, joy, sadness, inspiration. The movie, story or external world is helping to stimulate these states - but in reality you really are just sitting in a chair in a dark room. The truth is you have all that is needed to create those states within you - without the movie.
In real life you are creating those states all the time. You are reacting to things. What your boss says or But Are you assigning the appropriate and proportionate meaning? In my experience NO and it infact turns into a source of terrible and unnecessaries suffering.
There is of course inherent meaning in the world. If I cut off your limb, inject you with heroin, starve you or kill your child it will of course matter. But for those that have their basic needs of food, shelter and safety met the rest is just us assigning meaning to things. Yet we continue to use the life or death fight or flight circuits for ... well everything.
The problem is most people are not conscious of that fact. They are not aware of it. They have no intention behind it. They become a slave to it. The whole mechanism goes out of control and off the rails. They assign false meaning. Negative meaning. Inaccurate meaning. Overblown meaning.
So often it is the very source of your suffering. And mind you suffering is not bad by nature. But so many of us are making it worse then it is. Worse then it needs to be. We are constantly carrying around thousands of pounds of burden everywhere we go. Learn to recognize and drop the burden. Stop making it worse then it really is. Think about how much more energy you would have if you shrugged off the thousand pound burden, the chatter. For some of us we could easily have 50%, 200% 500% more energy? Because we would be living in the moment and with feedback from the real world not a thousand what if scenarios we run in our minds.
On Attachment
I see this in my kids. I'll be getting my 3 year old daughter ready for school and she will be attached to an outcome thats only in her head and it causes her real suffering. No daddy! That's MY car seat not my brothers! ::wah wah:: No daddy!!! I want to put the pink shoes on not the yellow! ::wah wah:: No daddy I want YOU to take me to school NOT mommy!! ::wah wah:: I started to see this in myself and people all around me all the time. Each method of attachment she has is arbitrary in the real world but has meaning to her. Yet it causes her great suffering.
Suffice it to say that YOU TOO are constantly giving meaning to the world around you and so often....well it's just flat out wrong!!! Or you are completely guessing! Why didn't he or she call me back? Why did he or she ignore me? What did they mean when they said that? What an asshole driver that guy was! How dare he cut me off! The little voice in your head can go NON-STOP.
Each one of these thoughts is like a grain of sand. After thousands and hundreds of thousands of these thoughts we are carrying this burden.
The real problem is your like a driver in a car but you don't know how to drive. Except in the world you are the car and your conscious mind is the driver. There are levels of consciousness and awareness. Many people don't realize that because they never learned the controls of their mind and body. They are just crashing the car over and over again.
Don't Make it Worse Then They Are
Reality happens. You didn't get the guy or girl. Your friend made a joke about you. Your son woke you up in the middle of the night for the 15th day in a row crying hysterically. Your boyfriend or girlfriend said something that aggravated you. You can't find your phone and realize you lost it. Whatever it is - say even that IT OBJECTIVELY SUCKS. But then we often make it worse. We trigger ourselves with the thoughts and words we use after. "This is terrible!" "I HATE her!" We feel "ohh no this is the end of the world!" We viscerally react through emotion to the stimulus.
We do this exact thing as adults. It's like we are little control freaks! Don't take this road take that road!!! Don't change his dipper this way do it that way! This guy is driving too slow! You should have reacted to me with more affection!! Your tone was negative to me!! Why didn't you do that!? Don't you realize this is a better way? How dare he\she say that to me? How dare he she not respond to me? We dream up scenarios - ohh I'm going to this party and I'm going to have a great conversation with this person. Then it doesn't happen exactly how we want it and we are disappointed.
How do you take charge of your own mind? How do you shift your own internal state?
This is literally the hardest part. I could write down on a piece of paper what you need to do. But if you are incapable of changing your inner state you won't be able to.
First realize it's a lifetime pursuit.
Second just begin by noticing when it happens during your day.
Stimulus --> Response --> Physiological Impact
Is my genuine understanding of what happened accurate?
Am I making it worse than it really is?
Am I taking responsibility for my part of it?
After a couple of times you start to realize you can choose to respond in not such a extreme way that triggers you even more. Beyond that you are in control of what you consume. Beyond that writing helps you to see something and rewrite and reframe it. When I write the conscious part of my brain is more in charge. Although this is a bit of an illusion as well.
Say you got fired. You feel rejected. It's a normal response. "THE UNKNOWN." The feeling of the tribe banishing you. It triggers real.
You have to at some point ask yourself. Is the response proportional to what actually happened in reality. Once you accept that no matter what happens you will actually be ok. It's ok.
Most people are actually suffering because they are not in-control of giving meaning to their lives. Their whole mechanism is broken.
Say for instance you imagine a tiger pouncing on you and eating your flesh while you are still alive. Ouch. Yet in another scenario unbeknownst to you a sniper is about to blow your head off - but you are not aware of it. You feel nothing.
Let's look at another real life example.
As I was trying a 40 day water only fast to cure my autoimmune disease I cracked after 65 hours and gave in to my urge to eat. My gut reaction was to beat myself up for it and a I felt a looming and impending feeling of shame, lack of control over myself and weakening of my resolve towards life in general. This is a feeling we often experience when we don't do what we say. We feel a sense of inner powerlessness.
I paused, took a step back realizing that at the same time I had objectively achieved some discipline in the previous 2 days avoiding eating and not drinking alcohol at numerous BBQs and parties I attended. As a factual measure I had completed 65 hours of my 960 hour goal.
This is akin to seeing a glass of water and seeing it as half full or half empty. The crux is that things happen in the outer world and we are constantly assigning a meaning and narrative to them in our heads. Are you an optimist or a pessimist? Is the glass half full or half empty? The glass is half full!!!! NOO!!! The glass is half empty!!! We argue in politics and on many polarized topics in this way.
I propose a third option. Instead of looking at the glass as half full or half empty - how would a scientist - a person that studies the very nature of reality look at it? Well they would say the glass is actually filled precisely to this extent...ie: 55 ml and not assign any other meaning to it. And so I did this for myself.
Rather then beating myself up over it, causing a ruminating cascade of thoughts that would bring me out of a healing state - something I needed very much at the time. I decided to simply take a step back and nonjudgmentally say: I am a causal being. I have my own nature. Something in me led me to break my resolve. What happened in my mind? What were the circumstances that lead to this? What could I learn from this? What could I do better next time?
Simply recognizing the above fact and becoming conscious of it can lead to hope and belief for massive potential and change. You can not step through a door you don't see. Over time with conscious awareness followed by intent we can shift the meaning we assign. Not only does this mean we can stop making things way worse then they really are, we can start building ourselves up vs breaking ourselves down, we can unburden ourselves of 80% of the weight, but we can also learn to give ourselves insight so that the outcomes improve in the real world for the things we are trying to achieve.
Now there is an objective reality out there. That reality has its own nature and hardwired meaning - that meaning is best described by science. Beyond that - all of the rest - is a meaning that only exists in the minds of human beings.
Sidenote: It is not the point to just change the meaning to not feel bad. Sometimes you need a good kick in the ass and to feel the pain and realize and accept things for what they really are. This can be a great catalyst for change. However - if you are constantly beating yourself up or those around you and wearing yourself down - you may have potentially lost control and need to reign it in. This happens when your a perfectionist. It can be a gift if you use it properly and a curse if you lose control. I would actually say the default option for a human being is that they don't have control over this. You are not born knowing what the world means or what meaning to assign. You at some point have to take ownership of it.
On Perfectionism
You see when you see things for what they could be your life can become a series of disappointments. If you shift your perspective and realize also how much worse things could be and that you are in fact just precisely at a certain points at least you have 2 data points in reality to get a more objective gauge of where things really are. So the key here is measure progress relative to 2 or 3 points.
Instead I believe it is better to realize that the fact that you see things for what they could be and that you see so many flaws and imperfections in yourself is actually an incredibly positive indicator of your potential. It is BECAUSE you can see your flaws that over time you can continue to get better. The truth is that other people don't see their flaws and henceforth will be stuck at their current ability. So right here we shifted what would be a key negative thing of bringing yourself down and even stopping an activity because you realize you are bad at it - into something that is positive - because how bad you realize you are is actually how good you can get.
This is also where attachment comes in. Do the right thing but don't be attached to the outcome.
So what is the solution? What should we do? What's our action plan? What habits should we try and build?
a. Take a conscious effort
b. Realize that it is in fact you that is assigning meaning and a narrative all the time
c. Start to become conscious of that fact in real time
d. Assign a meaning that is accurate to the reality. Don't just compare yourself to today's unachievable perfection. Don't compare yourself just to worst case scenario. Use multiple data points to give yourself a more objective point of reference of where and how you should assign meaning. Allow for nuance in your meaning.
e. Learn and realize to stop getting attached to your idea of the outcome. This is a recipe for suffering and a burdensome life. Pick and choose where you exert control over the outside world so you are not sapped of energy.
Let's use another example:
Perhaps you went for a 20 minute walk as your exercise for the day.
You could easily say - well that's not enough!
You could say I felt like crap doing it!
You could say I'm so weak!
You could say look at that guy he is running and not even tired I'm breathing hard just from walking!!!
Alternately you could say to yourself:
I walked 20 minutes more then yesterday!
That guy running has been running for 10 years, if I ran for 10 years there is even a 50-50 chance I could run longer then him I just have to give myself the consistency!
If I walk consistently every day I'll start to feel better!
I'm getting stronger!
I walked 1 mile today in 20 minutes, if I do this for a week maybe I can walk 1.2 miles!
Look it's not about always being positive to yourself either. But it is about taking a step back and using points of reference grounded in reality to give yourself a more objective perspective so that you can reach your goals, dreams.
Life WILL throw a wrench in your plan. If you expect it you won't be hit as hard.
Perhaps you walk for a week and still can only walk 1 Mile.
Well this is again where you have to take a step back and put your thinking cap on analyze reality and say what happened? What lead to this? What is the nature of what I am doing? What is the causality that is leading to this? What are the key performance indicators?
Am I getting enough sleep, rest and recovery?
Am I binge drinking and that is impacting my gains?
Am I not consuming enough protein to recover?
The moment you start to calibrate against the real world and stop flopping around wasting energy on frivolous thoughts the moment you will start to become more engaged in life because you will start to see the BELIEF - no longer just HOPE but BELIEF - that because life and the external world and even myself has a causal nature- if I figure out the model of that causality I just have to do the things and things will inevitably get better. It is then that the journey becomes fun. You stop comparing yourself to other people because we are all different. You use yourself as your own benchmark for getting better.
Any time I have really done this. Really thought through, researched a strong strategy and implemented an action plan I often surprised myself at the results.
For instance say you want a hot bod! Go look at a slew of experts that have achieved the body you want. Figure out what they have said that is in common. Or go to the Exercise Muscle Building Hypertrophy section here on Livefully.net as I have pre-vetted this for you. Now you have a plan based on experience and reality. This will give you BELIEF and conviction. You may even realize it's a lot less work and there are a lot more benefits to gain then just having a HOT bod! When you execute you will see results. You will pivot to optimize for you and keep reframing your understanding of the causal nature of yourself and the world and you will EVOLVE!
But this process applies for almost EVERYTHING! Wealth building, developing and cultivating relationships, walking up feeling great, eating a delicious but healthy diet, selling a product, building a business, gaining proficiency and mastery at an instrument, learning to more effectively communicate with your spouse, partner, girlfriend or date etc. etc .etc.
Once you realize that near everything is a skill and the average human being is a skill adaptation machine the world opens up for you and the realistic BELIEF and possibilities based on your actions becomes contagious, self perpetuating and leads you down a path of an upward spiral,
If your having trouble with a particular reaction or trigger that makes you assign meaning to something in a negative way - you NEED to write about it. As described in the Mindset Tools section - writing, rewriting, reading, saying, talking about, practicing allows you to synthesize a scenario in multiple different ways. It allows you to become your own programmer. You become the guide of how you interpret the world. Your greatest weakness can turn into your biggest strength.
Look it's important to point out some exceptions. Sometimes things in the real world are objectively bad. Perhaps you have an abusive partner, or there is an asteroid about to hit the planet or your friend offers you meth to smoke. These things are objectively NOT good for your health and no amount of thinking will help you to solve the situation. Depending on the severity of the problem you may need to get yourself out of there or develop a strategy, tactics and action plan to deal with the situation.
Some of the highest level performers are in the business world because it is in fact a competition. It is here that I would tell you think like a corporation. A corporation is just an organization of people. These people gather information and allocate resources to guide the course of the ship.
They use data, projections, critical thinking, feedback and challenge of ideas and vetting to create a good solid world view model and then apply strategies, tactics and action plans to gain favorable outcomes. They identify key decisions and apply effort to influence the outcome to an outcome they want and increase the probability of that outcome.
It is easiest to go with the flow of life. To use the current. A lot if not most people fall into things. They don't actually have a choice. Over the years as you continue to grow as and develop as an individual your circle of influence will continue to increase and you will be able to more consistently then not make the right decisions on the right topics and focus your energy on the right strategies to influence the right outcomes.
It is difficult to go against the grain. But if you are looking to make massive changes over your lifetime developing that growth mindset is actually a path of much lower resistance - because you learn to use the currents and momentum of life and opportunity that come your way to get you where you want to go.
Where you want to go and what you should be aiming for is another story and it's different for everyone. My hope is that this has been an insightful read. With this insight my hope is you have not only HOPE but BELIEF forged in yourself and reality - that belief is POWER. The POWER to change your life.
Realize that the worse off you are the more potential for true fulfillment, meaning, gratitude and appreciation you posses. Realize that it is not the destination that is the goal but rather that you can enjoy the journey of growth and struggle. Or don't! Create your own meaning.
I will reiterate that if you can't teach this and simplify it to someone else you probably don't have a solid enough grasp of it to apply it and for it to have an impact on your life. So I would suggest as I suggest with all of Livefully.net and your learnings - pull up a document and summarize this piece of writing to whittle it down to its core elements. It will help you to internalize it.
When you can simply explain this to your grandma or a 12 year old. Or if I give you a blank piece of paper and you can reconstruct the understanding by yourself then you have gained the knowledge. Then you have gained the insight and then it will be a part of you and you will be able to apply it, leave a more peaceful and meaningful life. Thank you for reading this far! Much love!!!!
Overview
In this chapter we will talk about one key area of your mindset. The primary goal here will be to show you how to get ride of unnecessary self induced harm and suffering and free up a load of energy that can be redirected to useful pursuits or change. It will teach you to either be resting and relaxing or working as opposed to not resting and relaxing and not working but still suffering from the anxiety that this produces.
As on object in the "real world" you are like a car. You have your own nature, You need fuel to run. You need a key to turn it on. You need to know how to turn off the lights at night in order to operate it.
How to change your inner state, especially if it has run out of control.
You are neither living nor dying, but stuck in a purgatory of in between. Not doing, and not actually resting. 2 parts of your brain are in a battle inside of you.
One valid answer is you have to take a piece of paper and answer the question above. How do you ignore something that is screaming for you to scream out. Where every fiber of your being wants to do the wrong thing and fight and argue, instigate. Yet another part of your brain knows there is more nuance. You are being self destructive. You are watching yourself be self destructive - yet you can’t stop.
First start breathing. Or becoming conscious of your breath. Then become conscious of the fact that you are assigning meaning. That it is YOU who is running scenarios through your head and making yourself feel the way you feel. Realize that you are an object. An object has a nature. If you play a different vision you will get a different result.
One part of your brain the conscious part can to some extent objectify the other and treat and run them much like a video game character that has its own nature or controls or causality. The control room or controller pad is your inner world. What you envision will result in an inner emotional state that can be further controlled by sleep diet and exercise. Realize that it is not the other person you are actually mad at but yourself. It has always been yourself. Other people are always a reflection of you. Because what you see and envision is only a reflection of you. Others can influence and leave an imprint on you BUT it is always in fact you that is the core of the suffering. The power lies within you. By rewiring the understanding you can change. You can assign any meaning to an outcome. Say divorce. Divorce can be freedom. It can be peace. It can be relief. Or you can make it the end of the world. You can assign any meaning to an outcome?
What if you imagine that no matter the outcome you will be fine. Even better so that you will be better, because you will look at that outcome and learn something from it.
What you imagine changes the way you feel. Your physiology changes the way you feel. Why should I fear death, if I am death is not, if death is, I am not. The universe trying to understand itself. When you are talking to other people which part of their brain are you actually talking to. What is an ego? Once you realize you are the source of all things. You realize you do not have to be a slave to the patterns and in fact you can rewrite yourself to look at things in any way you want once your basic needs are met.You get freedom when you are genuinely ok with whatever the outcome is. Paradoxically.It’s not detachment from the outcome. It’s acknowledgment that it’s ok whatever the outcome is because it doesn’t really matter. Paradoxically this release of attachment to one outcome and the attachment of fear anxiety and death of another outcome - when you realize that the latter is only a state - it frees up your minds energy to be better in flow and perform the actual action. Otherwise what you are doing is catastrophizing - imagining the worst - right before we do an activity. We are putting ourselves in a certain state. Choose to be your authentic self. If it is not a right fit. It was not best and meant to be. When you really think through the outcomes. And you take the one that scares you. Developing the courage to be your authentic self and be If you would not let a stranger inside your house - how could you let them get into your head?
https://youtube.com/live/WxMrwPmgSqc?si=LNPvgDO7j2N6fdLc
The courage to be disliked sets you free to be the person you’ve wanted to be. When you get this freedom to rewrite your meaning. When you get to the point where even if the worst outcome happens you realize you’re ok. When you’re ok with others judgment of you and still able to be your authentic self. You realize that the state of mind and by consequence the state of body is all you really need and want. No longer need the validation of others. Or great wealth. Or fame, riches. The greatest trick the devil played was making you think you need all of these things. when you are ready to die you can finally live. What makes you rich is your mind state. Your mind state affects your physical state and well being. -What if I reach out to sales people and pay them to get meetings. I am not afraid to be my authentic self anymore. I’m going to be ok. When you are not afraid of rejection.
I start here because There are many sources of suffering. I will address one substantial source here. It is unnecessary suffering. It will cost you no money to eliminate. It will unburden you of what for some is a mountain they are carry with them everywhere they go. It will free up a lot of mental energy which you can then redirect onto achieving precise real world outcomes.
Roughly speaking - your internal state is anchored to something. Call it your expectations vs reality. If you compare yourself to one data point like perfection - well you will always be disappointed. If you compare yourself to where you started you will always have an objective measure of where you are. Instead if you recognize perfection for what it is:
A good rule of thumb is that you will feel based on what your compare yourself to. Your emotional outcome is based on what you anchor the outcome to. The thing is most of the time we use a terrible point of reference. Furthermore in a real world where everything is connected we are only using one not many points to anchor to. More on this later.
This meaning assignment is a necessary property of being a living creature. A lot of how you assign meaning to the world is predefined by your genes. Who your attracted to, how you salivate and think about food when your hungry, etc. For the purposes of this discussion we will assume you are like most people in America and have your basic survival needs met.
Yes there is a physical and physiological world that has a direct impact on you. An example of this is modern medicine. If I inject you with heroin it will have an impact on you. HOWEVER, there is a substantial impact on you and your inner states that comes from the meaning you give to the world around you.
A lot of this meaning is for lack of a better word physiologically programmed into you through your genes.
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